I'm the ultimate GU basketball insider, sports expert, superior athlete

The site has been besieged by those who claim their opinions should be valued above those of other posters because of their unique perspectives or insider information. The problem is, they are afraid to name names. I’m not. Here are ten reasons why I’m the ultimate Gonzaga/Basketball/Athletics expert:

1. Respected on campus: Not counting basketball games, I've been to the Gonzaga campus THREE TIMES. Twice to see Rick Steves talk at the Cataldo Hall Globe Room and once to see an exhibit at the Jundt Art Museum. I am held in such high regard on campus that on each occasion, the student at the door greeted me with a "hello" and "welcome".

2. Media Access: I once stood next to Greg Heister at the Arena urinals during halftime of a Shock game. I looked at him and said "nice hair” and he told me to “go **** myself”.

3. Gonzaga players take my advice: While working at a Einstein’s Car Wash, Gary Bell came to get his car washed. I asked him if he wanted “hot wax for $2.00 more” and he said sure.

4. I know what it takes to win a championship; I played on the intramural, co-ed, volleyball champions at Fairchild AFB. I demonstrated exceptional leadership and motivation by yelling “com’ on” three times during the championship game and patting each player on the rear. I found ass-slapping the key to motivation and leadership, just be careful during co-ed events (face slapping, harassment charges, lawsuits).

5. All-time great coaches give me advice: A few years ago, I attended an ESPN Game of the Week at the Arena, Gonzaga vs. Memphis. I saw Bobby Knight in front of the Spokane Arena and yelled "Knight you suck", Knight looked right at me and yelled back, "Go **** yourself".

6. Access to future recruits: Two years ago, I bought $40 restricted view seats when the Zags played Hawaii at the arena. First row, right under the basket. Pangos got fouled hard going to the rim and some of his sweat got on my shoe. Inconsequential you say, do YOU have a sample of DNA on your Nikes to clone Kevin Pangos?

7. The Greatest: A few years ago I went to see Kareem Abdul-Jabbar speak at the Fox Theater during hoopfest. After the speech, Kareem was autographing his book and I stood in line to get mine signed. When I got to Kareem, I said "Elvin Hayes sure schooled you dropping 39 at the Astrodome in "68. Kareem told me," Go **** yourself".

8. Incredible insight to future events: In 1997 I went to the arena to see WSU play Arizona, the year after the Wildcats won the NCAA championship. In the hall of the arena, I saw Ryan Leaf, fresh off his Rose Bowl season and #2 NFL draft selection accompanied a beautiful, tall, blond co-ed. Leaf was enjoying the attention and posing for pictures with fans. Single fans were handing the camera to the beautiful blond who compliantly took the picture of said fan with Leaf. When my turn came, I handed Leaf the camera and stood next to the blonde.

9. Superior athlete: I actually played in a State Championship basketball game in high school. I scored two points, got two rebounds, and fouled out. We ended up winning the game thanks to the great outside shooting of one of our guards; Jimmy Chitwood. No..........wait.......that was Hoosiers.

10. Access to the University President: Last month, I went to a leadership seminar and the President of Gonzaga was one of the guest speakers. After the seminar, the Father was in an adjacent room talking to the attendees. I asked him "Why doesn't the University fire Mark Few? The Father looked at me and said; "a coach with an .800 winning percentage, 15 straight NCAA tourney appearances, 13 of 14 WCC championships, coming off a 30 win season with a team ranked #1 Nationally..........................."Go **** yourself".

This post does not reflect the views of the blog authors or SB Nation.

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